I say this phrase to some client almost every day. Sometimes I may say it to several people on the same day. It may be a bit trite, and the graphic I made to represent it is purposefully light-hearted.
However I believe it to be the most important skill an adult can acquire.
Too often, our choices in life are dictated by how we believe it will make other people feel. We would rather make an inferior choice for ourselves, if we believe making the best choice might upset someone else in our lives.
This happens in obvious ways, such as “I want to break up with my boyfriend but I can’t because it would make him very sad”, or “I don’t have the time off work or the money to go home for Thanksgiving but my family would be so disappointed”. In these instances, it is clearly in the person’s best interest to make a certain choice, but they won’t even consider the “proper” choice because of how it affects someone else.
This also occurs in less obvious ways, but the same sentiment always repeats.
“I don’t have time for bookclub since my work schedule changed, but the host would be so upset if I quit coming”
“I want my wife to stop drinking so much, but I’m afraid if I mention it she will think I was calling her an alcoholic and be offended”
“I want to try new stuff in the bedroom, but then they may think I do not enjoy it now or that I think they aren’t a good sex partner”
“I want to start our own Christmas traditions, but we would never hear the end of it if we weren’t at my in-law’s for Christmas morning”
“I love hanging out with my friends, but I want to go back to school and they might be upset that I couldn’t spend as much time with them”
The way I explain it to my clients is “other peoples’ emotional reactions are not yours to manage”. Yes, of course the boyfriend would be upset if he is broken up with, but what is the alternative? To stay in an unhappy relationship because it would hurt their feelings? Doesn’t that sound absurd? Yet we all know people (including ourselves) that have made these kinds of indefensible choices all in the attempt to avoid making someone else face emotional difficulty. For example, they may try to break up, but upon seeing a strong or outsized emotional outburst, they may say “ok nevermind I take it back we’re not breaking up”.
You can always tell this is happening when the situation no longer is about the initial issue, but now the situation is about managing the emotional response of the other party.
Some people try to frame this as being selfless, a demonstration of their generosity and kindness of spirit that they are willing to suffer for others. This is not being a grown adult, this is being a martyr.
Being an adult sometimes means having to do something that hurts someone else's feelings. It also means sometimes having to have your feelings hurt by someone else. This is inevitable. Sadness or disappointment is not something we have the ability to insulate others against.
If you must do or say something that is going to hurt someone else, then you acknowledge it, express sorrow for the fact they are suffering, but stand by your decision and do not allow yourself to be dissuaded by the emotional reaction someone else has. Now be aware none of this gives permission to be purposefully cruel to someone. If you are cruel to someone, you owe them an unreserved apology, period. But just because you do something,or make a choice, or express a preference, or demand a need be met, if any of that makes someone else emotionally upset, that does not suddenly make you responsible for maintenancing their emotional response.
You are not the emotional custodian of other people. If your truth or your choice makes someone else upset, that is not your problem to manage. That is their problem. They have to manage their own emotions, you can’t do it for them.